Smoldering Stump Gazette
News and Commentary
Tr$mp to Sue Christianity for $1 Trillion
IN A DEVELOPMENT that has surprised many of his supporters, Donald Tr$mp will sue Christianity over the actions of its founders, Jesus of Nazareth, Saul of Tarsus (AKA St. Paul), and the generally acknowledged founder of the Roman Catholic church, Simon (AKA Cephas, St. Peter). The lawsuit demands recompense to Tr$mp in the amount of $1 trillion.

Tr$mp alleges that the three conspired to deprive him of his right to assert spiritual descent from the biblical prophets of the old testament, claiming that these actions caused him both financial and emotional damage.

The claim of financial damage arises from the story of Jesus overturning the tables of the money changers in the Temple of Jerusalem. As a consequence, those who deal in money (AKA financiers) have subsequently had a nefarious reputation, and since Tr$mp needs them to lend money for his various "deals" his options for acquiring ever more vast wealth have been compromised.

The claim of emotional damage stems from his opposition to programs benefitting the less fortunate, based on the story of the treatment of those who hungered and thirsted after the Sermon on the Mount, which it is claimed have resulted in public portrayal of Tr$mp as an avaricious and niggardly skinflint, leading to the exclusion of himself and his family from polite society, because nobody likes him.

The suit does not make clear how the purported conspirators identified or selected Tr$mp as their victim, given that they all died almost two thousand years before his birth. Questioned on this, lawyers for the plaintiff stated that these matters would be explained at trial as soon as it is decided where to file, while denying that they were venue-shopping.

Film at 11.

Sources


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